“With time all things heal.” That’s a quote that I always understood, but never grokked until just recently. I still miss my friend Jerry and spend some time looking over his photographs here. The lost urge to do photography is slowly returning, finally.
I’ve been doing a little writing as well, but erratically. I’ve been burying my head in books, reading, more than anything else. Most recently I’ve finished the Earthsea series by Ursula K. Le Guin. They’re a little slow at times, with less action than I tend to like, but they are an interesting read. At least burying my head in books is better than burying it in the sand. Even more interesting, perhaps, is that in its own way the Earthsea series has helped me to begin truly letting go of my friend, to accept that he’s no longer here but I am.
The thing is, though, I was surprised how much I missed Jerry. I’ve been to other funerals, and his didn’t bother me that much either. I well understand that Death is part of Life and it visits us all sooner or later. What I didn’t expect was the aftermath – it wasn’t like after any of the other funerals. I no longer have anyone else to text up and say “Photo op! Get out and shoot the sunset!” or email “Hey, looks to be clear Saturday night! Want to do a night shoot?” knowing he’d jump at the opportunity to spend some time together, to learn from each other, and to get some great photographs. Even now I still start to text or e-mail him, then just sit there feeling miserable, knowing I can’t send it to him. And then I don’t even want to go, myself.
A couple weeks ago there was the Supermoon. I had a few opportunities to get some great moonrise photographs but…I didn’t. I saw the moon once or twice, and I could have been in place for the perfectly timed truly perigee Supermoon photograph, but the old drive just wasn’t there. No one to get excited with. At work people asked if I got any photographs of the Moon and I had to say no. All that did was remind me Jerry wasn’t there.
I’ve been seeing photo ops and thinking “that’d be a good picture for someone to take” instead of “I should pull over and get that shot, if I shot from over there it’d be a good alignment…”. I’ve wanted to try some photos with my grandkids and the sunset or the moon, but beyond thinking it’d be fun…nothing, or at most “later…some other time.”
Now, though, I’m starting to eye my camera bag when I go out the door. I’ve not been carrying it everywhere like I used to.
It’s not just photography. My radios are dusty and I’ve stopped studying for my ham license upgrade as well. My telescopes are similarly dusty and I’ve not even tried to figure out why one never has been able to properly focus since I got it.
But I think that quote I opened with is finally taking effect.
Today I finally got up the will to recognize his death and post it to our IFPOI website. It is the first time I’ve felt any interest in interacting with our photographic website. I’m beginning to move on past this and am becoming interested in putting up some new pictures.
Rest well, my friend. You’ve earned it.