Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Zombie Ramblings

22 November 2017

Right up front, let’s get one thing clear.

This post is MY ramblings, not some dogma, beliefs, laws, or anything serious. Just fun ramblings and musings by yours truly. Got it?

My wife is into and watching the US TV show, “Walking Dead.” I’m not all that into it, but I watch it with her from time to time when I’m not reading or doing something else. To me, watching this show is like reading Westerns…they do the same thing over and over: split up, wander, survive, link up, fight with other groups, repeat. She’s into the people, I’m meh on it.

For those of you wondering, I’ve read a couple Westerns. Some are different, but the vast majority of them are similar except for the type of horse, the horse’s name, the guy’s name, the girl’s name, and the name of the town.

My XYL (that’s ham-speak for wife) and I have had some fun discussions about zombies, though. That’s where the rest of this blog comes in.

Enjoy! Remember, these are just my brain wandering and musing.

One of the ladies had a baby and at one point feared she was going to be stillborn. Apparently, everyone’s infected so if they die they turn into zombies. We wound up talking about if the baby turned into a zombie as a result of that. There were some funny and creepy results of that discussion, such as…

  1. The baby has no teeth, so it’d have to gum it’s way out of the mom.
  2. Going by the way the infection is able to take over animating the body when the brain is destroyed, once out the zombie baby would be promptly up and shuffling, arms out, growling (albeit high pitched and not very loud). If it caught you, it’d promptly set to gumming you. This whole aspect is hilariously creepy in my mind.

Since the zombies lately all seem to be infected, excepting of course those zombies pulled up by voodoo and other such means, can zombies starve to death? They don’t eat each other, and when there’s no more fresh meat around…do they hibernate and slowly decompose? I suppose they could live a long time, like various bugs, fish, lizards, etc. that are comatose for years in ice, dried mud, and so forth until conditions return to favorable for them to live again. But with the bodies so obviously decomposing as soon as they turn I can see the infection starving to death. Especially once the host bodies are gone.

Supposedly, the virus in “Walking Dead” destroys the brain and takes over animating the corpse by taking control via the top of the spinal system. So, how does a poke in the head kill them, and how does cutting off their head at the neck as often as not result in a still animated body and head, only separated? Yet other times, cutting off the head seems to kill the zombie. Hmmm.

When the humans die, say of their wounds, a disease, starvation, whatever, out in the countryside, since they turn so fast into zombies, it must drive those circling buzzards nuts. I can just see it: “Hey, Al! There’s a dead body down there! Let’s eat! Oh, wait, it’s up again. What’s up with that, anyway, Al? How’s a buzzard supposed to know any more?”

The zombies, when they walk, lift up their feet maybe 3 inches at most. As often as not they just shuffle their feet along the surface. Now suppose someone loses their leg, by accident or deliberately as happened. Further suppose they have to make their own. After all, prosthesis aren’t likely to be readily available. The most likely result is…a good, old peg leg.

Now picture the person killed. He or she turns into a zombie with a peg leg. Shuffling along, the peg leg goes into a gopher, ground squirrel, rabbit, whatever hole. Since the zombie doesn’t lift it’s foot up, just shuffles along, that peg leg isn’t going to be coming out of the hole any time soon. How long do you think that zombie is going to be walking in a circle around it’s peg leg?

For that matter, if two zombies are approaching each other and collide, if they somehow get stuck together (I can think of several ways), will they forever shuffle around each other on that one spot?

Ah, well. Those were fun to think about. I’m sure people will come up with perfectly valid excuses and workarounds but I’m not into zombies enough to care, really. I’m just having fun with what little I know and funny circumstances I can come up with.

Here’s one for you.

What if only a certain group of people turned into zombies and instead of craving brains and hot flesh, they craved doing to other people whatever their profession was. Maybe doing that would also turn those people into zombies, too, just to keep things “real”. Heh! OK, so what profession would be the funniest as a zombie?

Chefs are too much like current zombies, they’d try and slice and dice you and serve you up. Mechanics could be interesting. Beauticians? Mimes? Gah! Can you imagine a world of mimes?!?! You’d never hear them coming, though! Dancers?

And please, just leave all this as the thought experiments they are. No need to try and create zombies just to answer the above for once and all. The human race will thank you for your restraint.


Apocalypse 2012

12 December 2012

Apocalypse 2012

Well, it seems an appropriate topic.

Depending on who you side with, next Friday December 21st is Apocalypse Day. Or not.

Personally, I see the Apocalypse timeline running like this:

  • December 20:  People settle down for their final meal. Perhaps enjoy their final pleasures that night.
  • December 21:  People wonder just when the Apocalypse will happen. Maybe just a few minutes/hours more. Be patient.
  • December 22:  Doomsayers start saying they must have screwed up the math somewhere. People begin wanting their stuff back and trying to negotiate about debt they let lapse.
  • December 23:  Doomsayers announce they found a nearly invisible glyph on one of the really old pictures of the Mayan Calendar. It changes when the date is, obviously, but until they can properly decipher this new glyph they can’t say exactly when.

Better luck next time, Doomsayers. On second thought, never mind…hope you have the same luck next time!

What gets me about all this right now are two things. Neither is overly based in research, but it just seems worth thinking about….

First of all, isn’t it curious that of all the shapes possible, the Mayan calendar is on one of the few instances of a wheel? Think wheel of time here. What’s a wheel but a circle? What’s a circle do but go around and around? What’s the smaller cycles do, but repeat?

Not only that, the Maya built their famous calendar upon the work of previous civilizations. So, the observational base has been around for a long time prior to the Maya “publishing” their own, more refined calendar.

If the Maya were intelligent enough to observe over hundreds of years and develop a calendar that tracks the progression of the earth from one point in the sky back to that one point so accurately, don’t you think they would also be smart enough to know that if all went well, i.e. we managed to survive that long, the next b’ak’tun Cycle would simply start over again? Isn’t that why the calendar is on a circular shape and not a square one? To signify the CYCLE of years? Isn’t that why there are already 12 previous Long Counts? After all, the next b’ak’tun starts on in the Mayan calendar, so there must have been 12 already and none of them ended in an Apocalypse. Why should this one?

Although it is kind of intriguing how they managed to synch with the Gregorian Calendar such that December 21, 2012, falls on a Friday. Does that make it a Long Count Friday the 13th?

Second, Naysayers are saying there is no planetary alignment. Really? You sure? There’s ALWAYS some kind of planetary alignment in this solar system. The only way you won’t have any planetary alignment would be if this blue marble of a world of ours were floating in the void absolutely all alone. If that were the case, we wouldn’t be here, either because we need the sun to survive and there would be a planetary alignment between the Earth and Sun.

I know, that’s not what they mean by “no planetary alignment”. But if that’s all they say then I’ll shrug and play with the words like anyone else with any remote interest in this Apocalypse.

For sure, my interest is mostly in what the Doomsayers will say the day after. Or will they just quietly slink away back into the woodwork?

For those of you that might need it…I’m watching this entire Apocalypse event with amusement and this post is in that vein.